Saturday, May 26, 2018

Quote for the Day

"I feel like a hitchhiker caught in a hailstorm on a Texas highway. I can't run, I can't hide and I can't make it stop."

- President Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1965, 
commenting on the escalating Vietnam War he had inherited.



A contribution from Graham E: 

Hi Mr O,  
Here is someone that could make an interesting Byte subject:
Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton, PC (25 May 1803 – 18 January 1873) 

An English novelist, poet, playwright, and politician. He was immensely popular with the reading public and wrote a stream of bestselling novels which earned him a considerable fortune.  
He coined the phrases "the great unwashed", "pursuit of the almighty dollar", "the pen is mightier than the sword", "dweller on the threshold", and the well-known and much-parodied opening line "It was a dark and stormy night".  
Several of Bulwer-Lytton's novels were made into operas, one of which, Rienzi, der Letzte der Tribunen (1842) by Richard Wagner, eventually became more famous than the novel.  
Leonora (1846) by William Henry Fry, the first European-styled "grand" opera composed in the United States, is based on Bulwer-Lytton's play The Lady of Lyons, as is Frederic Cowen's first opera Pauline (1876).  
Verdi rival Errico Petrella's most successful opera, Jone (1858), was based upon Bulwer-Lytton's The Last Days of Pompeii, and was performed all over the world until the First World War.
Harold, the Last of the Saxons (1848) was the source for Verdi's opera Aroldo in 1857. 
In Queensland, Australia the Brisbane suburb of Lytton is to be found on Bulwer Island which today is home to the Port of Brisbane. Also in Queensland on Moreton Island (Moorgumpin) is located another settlement by the name of Bulwer.The township of Lytton, Quebec (today part of Montcerf-Lytton) was named after him as was Lytton, British Columbia, and Lytton, Iowa. Lytton Road in Gisborne, New Zealand was named after the novelist and subsequently a state secondary school, Lytton High School was established on the street.  
Mr G 

  • Graham mentioned the parodied opening line “It was a dark and stormy night.” Many will recall that line from the Peanuts comic strip, where it is a running gag about Snoopy’s attempts to write his novel: 

  • The original line is from Bulwer-Lytton’s 1830 novel Paul Clifford, the whole paragraph being: 
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 
  • In 1982 Professor Scott E. Rice of the English Department at San Jose State University started a tongue in cheek competition "to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.” He named it the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. 
  • Over the years the publicity has generated greater contributions and there are now several subcategories, such as detective fiction, romance novels, Western novels, and purple prose. Sentences that are notable but not quite bad enough to merit the Grand Prize or a category prize are awarded Dishonourable Mentions. 

Some Grand Prize Winners: 

* * * * * * 


The elven city of Losstii faced towering sea cliffs and abutted rolling hills that in the summer were covered with blankets of flowers and in the winter were covered with blankets, because the elves wanted to keep the flowers warm and didn’t know much at all about gardening. 

Kat Russo, Loveland, Colorado 

* * * * * * 


Even from the hall, the overpowering stench told me the dingy caramel glow in his office would be from a ten-thousand-cigarette layer of nicotine baked on a naked bulb hanging from a frayed wire in the center of a likely cracked and water-stained ceiling, but I was broke, he was cheap, and I had to find her. 

William "Barry" Brockett, Tallahassee, FL 

* * * * * * 


Seeing how the victim's body, or what remained of it, was wedged between the grill of the Peterbilt 389 and the bumper of the 2008 Cadillac Escalade EXT, officer "Dirk" Dirksen wondered why reporters always used the phrase "sandwiched" to describe such a scene since there was nothing appetizing about it, but still, he thought, they might have a point because some of this would probably end up on the front of his shirt. 

Joel Phillips, West Trenton, NJ 

* * * * * * 


When the dead moose floated into view the famished crew cheered – this had to mean land! – but Captain Walgrove, flinty-eyed and clear headed thanks to the starvation cleanse in progress, gave fateful orders to remain on the original course and await the appearance of a second and confirming moose. 

Elizabeth (Betsy) Dorfman, Bainbridge Island, WA 

* * * * * * 


She strutted into my office wearing a dress that clung to her like Saran Wrap to a sloppily butchered pork knuckle, bone and sinew jutting and lurching asymmetrically beneath its folds, the tightness exaggerating the granularity of the suet and causing what little palatable meat there was to sweat, its transparency the thief of imagination. 

Chris Wieloch, Brookfield, WI 

* * * * * * 


As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting. 

Cathy Bryant, Manchester, England 

Personally I think this should have won the Grand Prize that year: 
As an ornithologist, George was fascinated by the fact that urine and feces mix in birds’ rectums to form a unified, homogeneous slurry that is expelled through defecation, although eying Greta's face, and sensing the reaction of the congregation, he immediately realized he should have used a different analogy to describe their relationship in his wedding vows. 
       David Pepper, Hermosa Beach, CA 

* * * * * * 

Read all the winners, including for sub-categories, on the website at: 

Friday, May 25, 2018

Thought for the Day

Funny Friday

Yep, another Friday, another attempt to bring some humour into your lives and a smile, maybe even a laugh, to your faces. 

A mixed bag of humour this week, including some about royalty. Some of those are repeats but worth another airing. Besides, if you haven't recalled them, they're as good as new.

Happy Funny Friday, campers.

Caution: some risque content ahead.

I can't decide if the tongue-twister "She sells seashells on the seashore", is a piece of piss for Sean Connery , or completely impossible. 

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. 

The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so." 

That night, as the princess dined on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckled to herself, "I don't fuckin' think so." 

Have you lost your phone, and it's set on silent? 

You should have put a ring on it. 

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored. 

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that." 

"It’s quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse." 

A different version of the same bit of humour . . . 

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. 

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control." 

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses." 

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. 

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. 

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. 

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. 

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. 

"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" 

"No sir, our mother." 

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" 

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could." 

I’m a social vegan.... I avoid meet.... 



Corn Corner:

Q:  What do you call it when Knights get up and change their seats at the Round Table? 
A:  The Knight Shift 

Q:  What member of the royal family should always carry an umbrella? 
A:  The Reigning Monarch! 

Q:  What does the Queen do after she burps? 
Ar: She issues a royal pardon. 

No one knew who was attacking the castle until we learned it was the forces of Sir Nymbas of Cumulus, the legendary Dark and Stormy Knight!

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Thought for the Day

Rock n Roll Trivia


Axl Rose of Guns N' Roses was born William Bruce Rose Jnr but Senior his father left when he was two-years-old and his mother remarried. Rose grew up with his stepfather’s name, Bailey, not knowing of the existence of his biological father. He was a teenager when he learned of his bio father but never met him. He did however adopt the name Rose. After moving to Los Angeles, he started a band called AXL. A friend suggested he adopt that name for himself, which he did, changing his name legally to W. Axl Rose just prior to Guns N' Roses signing their recording contract in 1986. The question is: did the fact that Axl Rose is an anagram for Oral Sex play a role in the name change? He has never said and there is no indication on the net. 

The only guy in ZZ Top who doesn’t have a beard is drummer Frank Beard. 

Freddie Mercury, real name Farrokh Bulsara, spent his final months at his home before his death from HIV-related bronchopneumonia in 1991. He was 45. Mercury’s fans would paste messages on the brick wall at the front of the £20million home Kensington and on the door. His partner Mary became sick of cleaning the wall and door. She had the tribute wall cleaned, painted the lodge’s famous green door black, put perspex over it and added signs warning of CCTV surveillance cameras. She also added a warning that “Graffiti is a crime”. 



The house, Garden Lodge, has long been a place for Queen fans to visit because the singer's actual resting place remains unknown. 

Barry Manilow’s 1976 hit, I Write the Songs, wasn’t written by him. 

Before recording "That's All Right, Mama," Elvis auditioned to be a singer in a local band in Memphis and was told by the bandleader, "Stick to driving a truck because you'll never make it as a singer!" 

At age 47, the Rolling Stones' bassist, Bill Wyman, began a relationship with 13-year old Mandy Smith, with her mother's blessing. Six years later, they were married, but the marriage only lasted a year. Not long after, Bill's 30-year-old son Stephen married Mandy's mother, age 46. That made Stephen a stepfather to his former stepmother. If Bill and Mandy had remained married, Stephen would have been his father's father-in-law and his own grandpa. 

Bill Wyman & teenbride Mandy Smith 

Stephen Wyman and Patsy Smith. 

Cass Elliot (Mama Cass of The Mamas & Papas) and Keith Moon of The Who died in the apartment of the same singer/songwriter: Harry Nilsson. 

Mama Cass 

Keith Moon 

Harry Nilsson